This bizarre set of events may seem far-fetched but believe me when I say that there has been nothing more true to take place on this planet since the dawn of time.
In a particularly average student's union, a seemingly regular individual named Jimmy Faction would order a drink. He would sup at it for some time, then as he turns round to leave his leaning post at the bar counter, he would jostle an equally average looking person called Shaun Ripley. Ripley, taking the force of this rather minor collision would knock Faction's almost full glass of water slightly. Trickles and slops of the cool liquid would plummet to the floor and hit the floor as you would expect.
With this happening, Shaun Ripley exclaims a vulgar "fuck it" in exclamation of the spillage onto the floor and partially onto his jacket. Without any purpose meant behind his expression, it merely fell out of his mouth as an instinct rather than a suggestion. But words do not fall lightly on others and within minutes a higher state of force had intercepted the union, cornering off and vacating the area. Shaun Ripley was intervened and driven off in a dark van. Men in protective suits would use a highly complex vacuuming device to absorb the moistured patch on the floor and take that away in a seperate vehicle.
Ripley's words had been taken as a suggestion, an order for science to uphold it's rather good reputation to discover and explore new territory. How higher authorities had heard such a mutter and in such a random location no one will ever know, but this sort of thing does happen. The sinister abduction of Shaun Ripley was a venture into exactly what he had said. They were going to see if Ripley could "fuck it". Could a human really have meaningful sexual intercourse with a small quantity of water?
This was by no means an easy task. The organisation only had a very small sample of water that was flung from Jimmy Faction's glass onto the floor. However they had to abide by the rules of this experiment and uphold the quantity of liquid to the amount that Ripley had spoken of at the scene.
Vast experiments and money were put into the project and years passed. Inventions were being created that would never seem to work. A working female sexual organ had to be formed in order for Shaun Ripley to copulate with. However to create such a shape, a form of inverted quality required skill. It was 15 years into the project that the leaders involved in the operation had to realise that this may not be a successful experiment. It was only when a younger colleague of the group suggested that it didn't have to be a heterosexual relationship between Ripley and the water for it to count as Ripley "fucking it".
It was in this enlightening period that the decision to create a penis out of the liquid sample to enact anal sex with Ripley was resolved and the scientists were sent to work. It was only a mere 3 years until a successful penis was constructed. Nicknamed the "Water Dildo" the time had come for Shaun Ripley's meagre words to be fully and gloriously realised.
During the 18 years of work spent on the project, Shaun Ripley was kept in solitary confinement. He was certainly given details of why he was there, and had remained reasonably stable and cooperative with the exception of some minor hiccups along the way.
Not much is known of the actual encounter between Ripley and the "Water Dildo". Held under extremely secretive conditions, promised to Ripley due to the intimate nature of the result. The team, that had grown drastically in numbers over the years, waited with baited breath for the outcome. What they were expecting did not come, and Ripley emerged slightly unimpressed saying that it was a slippery action that was "rather clammy and cold at the same time". Despite this rather anti-climax, the scientists opened a bottle of champagne and congratulated themselves on 18 years of hard work to realise a minor utterance when someone in a bar had spilt a small portion of a glass of water.
The story continues however. This was not the last result of this overambitious project. It was only four months later that Shaun Ripley complained of some very bizarre symptoms. He was later diagnosed with Aids. However this is not the sexually transmitted disease that wastes away the immune system. The slightly lesser known Aids virus is a sexually transmitted disease. However it unfortunately shares it's name with the other virus because of the fact that the main symptom is the permanent agonizing screaming of the word "aids" into the subject's ear. This shouting is mental and is not caused by a physical screaming in one's ear. However it is very annoying and also causes damage to the ear drums. It is with great sadness that it was a year after the release of Shaun Ripley, that associates found him face down in his own vomit in his lounge. Ripley had taken an overdose of headache tablets to try and mask the screams which he had explained to a friend were "becoming utterly unbearable". He had a modest funeral and even some of the scientists that had worked on the "Water Dildo" turned up to show their condolences.
But when had the alternate Aids virus infected Ripley? There are rumours that there was some sexual activity between him and some of the scientists at the research centre, but these have been cleared. The answer to this puzzling mystery lies not with a human encounter but the encounter with the "Water Dildo".
Clean drinking water was provided at the bar on the night in which Ripley was abducted so there was no way in which he could have contracted it through the water. However, our answer lies with a strange man and his son 39 years ago. This man would teach his son from the age of 2 that at one point in his life he would generate a massive breakthrough for the world. His son was young and he would have to act soon to hammer this way of thinking into the child's brain. The man's name was Edward Faction and his son was Jimmy Faction. Edward taught his son that a time would come in which Jimmy could intervene and set off a series of events that could lead to great power and recognition. He scolded Jimmy for arguing against his was of thinking and would lock him away for weeks to discipline the boy. Growing up, Jimmy grew to know that this was the only course his life would take, yet also resented his father for the way he treated him.
Edward decided to focus on a certain moment in time that Jimmy could learn to masterfully calculate and steer towards his bright future. Edward believed that he could teach his son to act at a certain social location. The world is made up of many coincidences and in an area around other people, the chaos of the universe is more likely to favour someone who would spend their entire life practising that exact moment. Edward picked a very reactionary task, the knocking of a drink into someone as you turn away from buying that drink at the bar. It can induce a reaction and yet is also fully natural. Edward used this exceedingly simple task to breed a superhuman who was an expert at swivelling from a counter with a glass and spilling it down someone.
Over the years, Jimmy could do it blindfolded. He could pirouette round without spilling a drop. He was the best "leaving the bar with a full glass and knocking into someone" person in the world. He found new ways of doing it that would burn the average person's eyes out. He could do it with such accuracy that would send Edward into fits of tears. Edward also knew that his training had brought Jimmy to a mental point in the his mind in which that, like a mathematical genius, Jimmy could calculate the moment that would require his skills to best effect. Jimmy was spending 18 years practising something that would happen only once. With this extreme anticipation, he had found a way to sense the exact point in his life he would have to put his power to use.
However, the years went by and this was far from a positive venture. Jimmy would watch children outside play in the street, kicking a ball around or chasing an excitable job. He had never had any friends and was home-schooled by his maniacal father. His loathing grew in him like a forest fire. He wished he could be a normal boy, but Edward's strict regime meant that this was impossible and he was growing up to be a drink-spilling mutant. He loved that he was exceptional at it, his anticipation senses were an adrenalin rush but he knew he had to get back at his father one day for the lack of normal everyday things that Jimmy had missed out on.
It was then on a cold night that Jimmy decided to take a walk. He was allowed to go out to bars and pubs. Edward thought that it was a good opportunity to sense the point in which his son could make his mark and that the collision into someone with a drink was inevitably going to happen in a bar. Edward would wait for Jimmy to come home with baited breath in the hope that his years of teaching would pay off that night.
This particular night, Jimmy went to the union I began this story with. He settled down and stood hunched over at the bar. It was only after his second glass of water had been served to him that his senses kicked in, ramping into his brain like a rabid dog. He closed his eyes in concentration, hardly believing that all his work would amount to something very soon. But what would it amount to? What could be the best possible outcome? He had imagined a romance of some kind, a perfect soul mate to bump into, to apologise and invite her home. His father had considered this a positive outcome saying that perhaps Jimmy could then raise their offspring as he had raised him. It could also be a business proposition from an accidental encounter, leading to vast quantities of wealth.
Unfortunately though, Jimmy had to take charge and change everything in one swoop. His hatred for his insane father had reached boiling point and he knew that the only way to conquer his father was to sabotage his own actions which they had both spent so long working towards. His father hadn't realised that several month ago, Jimmy had met up with a rather volatile and sick man. The man sold certain illnesses, viruses for the vengeful customer. Fancied some Swine flu? This man could sell it to you, and you would be off sick for a few weeks, maybe to get away from work. Didn't like how your neighbour's weeds fell into your garden? Stick a few drops of Meningitis in their cool lemonade and they won't be out in the sunshine for much longer. Jimmy wanted something that would throw his skills off and make it impossible to carry out this perfected art in the bar. He decided that the only thing that could do something like this would be the alternate Aids virus. Unbearable screaming in your ears can be very distracting, particularly for swivelling and he knew this would ruin his chance of fulfilling his father's wish.
As his senses burned into his mind, telling him that his perfect moment to spin and bump into someone was closing in, Jimmy dropped several drops of Aids into his drink with the intention to drink it and leave. He took a few gulps and nothing happened. He looked around, waiting for the bellowing of "aids" to come pounding into his ears but nothing happened. He then slapped a hand to his forehead in exasperation. He had forgotten that this was a sexually transmitted virus. There was no way he could complete his sabotage by swallowing it. His mind shattered with disappointment, he knew that his future lay ahead of him, dependent on this artful twirl. His heart heavy in his body, he sighed and knew that his father's plan and 18 years of training was going to now pay off. He could see his father's gleeful face and hated it. He sighed and turned away.
The turn was like stars being born. His arc of his drink was perpetual and graceful. His feet hung for a moment and then elegantly careened away and round as he stepped away from the bar. His drink, moving through air like silk would have caused dolphins to eat themselves. Jimmy felt agile and light. His mind was of numbers and accuracy. Such an act would have been recorded for centuries had anyone stopped to watch this culmination of movement and swing. It was heaven and the galaxies joyously applauded such a feat of scientific serenity.
The glass bumped into Shaun Ripley and slopped onto the floor. Jimmy apologised and was greeted with a sombre "fuck it". Agonisingly let down by the reaction, Jimmy Faction walked slowly past Ripley and waited for another more hopeful response. nothing came and so Jimmy walked home. He got into bed and stayed awake for hours. He thought of his intentions to give himself Alternate Aids virus, and the stupidity of trying to drink it, despite it being given through sexual activity. He thought the purchase was a pointless failure and he turned over in bed and slowly fell asleep. Little did Jimmy Faction know that his Aids infected water was at that moment being driven down the motorway towards a protected secret research facility and in 18 years time be constructed to form the "Water Dildo" and contaminate Shaun Ripley.
The rest was history.
